The Benefit of Giving the Benefit of the Doubt
Being charitable means more than buying Thin Mints every year. Be charitable today. You'll like yourself more.
Can you try a thing for me? The next time you want to respond to a thing you see or read or hear with a quick one-liner (or one finger), can you stop and ask yourself, “What else might might be intended, other than what I am assuming is intended?”
Let’s talk traffic. Someone pulls beside you, who are in an exit-only lane, signaling that they would like to merge into your lane. Is this person a jerk? Or maybe this person is just unfamiliar with the roads in this area? Consider that possibility.
Walk this through with me. How do you feel when you see this car — let’s make it worse by making it a Tesla or a Prius — signaling to you to let them merge in front of you? Does that make you angry? Is this an entitled jerk who thinks he is too important to wait in the line you have been waiting in, while the through-traffic zips by on your left? You don’t objectively know if this person is trying to avoid waiting in the line or if this person just realized they need to be in your lane now. Given that you don’t know, and it is clear that your interpretation of their intention — to get one over on you — is doing you no favors, why not choose to interpret this more generously?
Try interpreting it this way: “This person must not be familiar with traffic patterns here; I will be charitable, and let him merge.” Now are you angry?
I would suggest you give other drivers the benefit of the doubt, and let people merge — at least one car — in circumstances like that, because it makes the world a better place. But if that doesn’t motivate you, do it because it makes your life better. Instead of letting your anger raise your blood pressure because of the merging driver, and the myth you have created in your own mind that this is a bad person trying to do a bad thing to you, lower your risk of early death by doing a good deed. University of Buffalo researchers found that “helping others reduced mortality.”
Or what about when you catch an obvious error in someone else’s writing whether on social media or in a work report? Do you have to “gotcha” them? Does it give you a thrill to have found an error to correct? (I’ll leave that analysis for your therapist.) While it’s obviously okay, and possibly necessary, to point out the error, what is the kindest way you can do that? How can you give them the benefit of the doubt? Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is a form of kindness, and it lowers cortisol and blood pressure, reduces pain, anxiety, depression, and boosts your immune system. Not only do you get to be a good human, but you improve your own health.
By simply shifting your vocabulary, you can get into the habit of giving the benefit of the doubt:
Misspeak versus lie. Most people, most of the time, aren’t lying to you (excepting career politicians). If someone gives you bad information, and you suspect it is wrong, and you need to get clarification, don’t assume the person lied. We all misspeak sometimes.
Wrong versus mistaken. How does it feel when someone tells you are wrong? It makes me defensive. But if someone suggests I might be mistaken, well … we all make mistakes. Weirdly, I’m much less defensive if someone suggests I might be mistaken.
“Consider the possibility” that you need to consider the possibility. If you need to correct someone, or even suggest someone make a change to their thinking, ask them to “consider the possibility” that they misunderstand a thing. Most people are open to considering the possibility of almost anything. We love the idea that we are open minded, and considering the possibility is an open-minded thing to do.
There are lots of ways to give the benefit of the doubt. These are just a few I use. Do you have your own? Let me know in the comments.